How to Run a Filthy Rich Country

[The content of this post is fictious and any resemblance with anything or anybody is a little bit coincidental.]

– The most important thing you have to do as soon as you seize power is to ensure that as many streets and roads as possible are unnamed and all houses and flats are unnumbered. This serves two purposes: it will ensure that intelligence services can communicate without fear of revealing anything intelligent and also will save you considerable amounts of money by cancelling the need for postal services or written communication.
– By cancelling postal services and written communication, you can relieve the country of any possible future postal strike (like those seen in other properly labelled and numbered countries for example). You will then be sure to only communicate with your people through telly (most recommended) and should you wish to appear democratic, through carefully “independentized” newspapers.
– You will see that there are some streets and areas which are well labelled and numbered coherently and logically. These might have been the product of some previous colonial power, however, they can remain on the condition that all their names should be changed to names of Revolution Heroes and any other figures you wish to draw attention to or mark your favourable opinion of (they should all be already dead however). This will make your people see that you are very loyal to the country and mostly its tragically deceased emblematic figures. This is probably good for your image for no particular reason.

– Similar strategies can be adopted for all other Public Sectors such as Transport, Councils, Law Enforcement etc. (i.e. by cancelling all of them or leaving any residual ones from a previous colonial power there on the condition of neutralising all their powers, you will free the country from any possible devastating strikes etc). By ensuring that you and only you run the country, the country will run smoothly.

– To ensure that your people receive the right message about your policies, you have to enforce and develop proper education strategies. One strategy that has proved its merits throughout history is that which commands all teaching bodies to utilize a uniform language (called the official language of the State. Usually some nearly dead language with strong nationalistic or religious connections).

– Once this strategy is established, you can then produce all government communication in another language (once you have ensured by your education strategy that most your people are non-profficient in that language), hence keeping your people interested. This will ensure that you will seem clever and that your people understand that your Government is multi-lingual and therefore can communicate with other countries for your own country’s benefit.

– Once you seize power, you will immediately see that you have (unlimited) access to an abundant supply of wealth, gifts and women. Do not be alarmed, it is natural. You have to keep reminding yourself that you are running a country and as such you should be the highest paid individual in the country (or on the planet even), otherwise there would be no point in running the country in the first place. You run a country so that you run away with it not so that it runs you down.

– You will notice that your country has loads of natural resources (oil, gas and other natural energy resources). As you are running the country, these resources belong to you automatically. This is good news, because you can sell them all and pocket the money. However, be very careful not to extract the money from your pocket unless you are absolutely sure it will be used for the benefit of your country and the people. The most secure way to invest your pocket money is to transfer it to foreign bank accounts (Swiss Banks are very reliable and secure). That way your pocket money will grow safely until the time comes when you spot a good project you could invest the money in and which would benefit your country. Of course, such projects are very rare to come by and you must be prepared that there could be none during your entire lifetime.

– You must not entrust the country’s money to any organisation or institution but yourself. Until you have tested their integrity and loyalty towards yourself. A good and reliable way to test loyalty is to compare the quality of the gifts received from various parties. Once an organisation has been found to be particularly loyal, you can think together of newer ways to invest your pocket money for the good of the country.

– Once a good project comes along that you think will benefit the country you are running, you can make it known to your people through the telly and the carefully “independentized” newspapers. Research has shown that pre-election periods are the times where people’s receptivity, lethargy and cynicism are at their highest. Hence this is the ideal time to communicate, even in the Official Language of the State (as nobody will give a toss what you’re on about).

– An example of a good project might be a national mosque (assuming the national religion of your country is Islam) of a scale unmatched in all Africa (if your country is in Africa that is). Such a project will benefit your people in that it will offer them a place where to worship and become oblivious to all worldly concerns. Remember, the last thing you should do is stress your people! You should always endeavour to make them immune to any imminent catastrophe or disaster by instilling lethargy, complete uninterest, indifference and despondency in them.

To be continued as and when more ways to run a filthy rich country unravel themselves to me…

This entry was posted in Algeria, Arab world by algerianna. Bookmark the permalink.

About algerianna

I enjoy writing, well communicating to be more precise as writing is somewhat a solitary activity. I tend to think that life is beautiful and interesting but people tend to over-complicate it. I like thinking about people and societies (netfelssaf like we say in Algerian). Apart from that, am relatively begnin.

6 thoughts on “How to Run a Filthy Rich Country

    • Thank God ktebt el moudakhala ta3ek bel 3arbia, koun ktebt’ha blongli kount fdahdtna m3a ledjness eygoulou lalgiri hadi mafihesh hoqoq elinsan!!! El bakhs, el bakhs, el bakhs!

      Thanks MnarviDz, I think that Machiavelli chap wasn’t that much ahead of his time eh! I will give you more tips sure yeah! 😉

  1. not related to the post but algeria is different then Tunisia and Morocco they both started naming their streets in earnest so the europeans can navigate their streets with GpS’s

    it is kind of weird how algerians refer on how they are going somewhere I am going up tala3
    or I am going down anahbut

    • ilfdinar

      The most amusing thing is when we get in a taxi and try to explain to the taxidriver where we want to go. It could sound as absurd as this: “Yes just by the tree which is right by the roundabout which is next to that huge advertisement poster about the Vache qui rit cheese, on that building block with the huge Bouteflika portrait – yeah the one where he is smiling down at a white dove that is perched on his right front arm. That’s the one yep, brilliant thanks!”

      I think it’s one of things which make Algeria such a fascinating country lol

  2. Too bad, all this is fictious!!! I would have been very happy if I had in my country rulers like these…. knowing what measures are necessary and the way to carry them out…

    Unfortunately, in Algeria, it is the kingdom of “la navigation à vue”…

    • QatKhal, sorry but real democracy is to let your people figure out what your policies mean, in retrospect, all by themselves. It is all planned to look unplanned. A plethora of different logical and illogical frameworks might then be applied by the people to fit it all in as they see fit and a huge number of histories might be constructed that way, reflecting diversity and dynamism. It’s called open end governance.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.